Is Hell. If it’s not ‘the child’ racing around naked, screaming and doing very bad things with his potty, it’s that Hell-spawn; Flossy the rescue cat. And better yet, the two compete for my attention and my lap. It’s Clash of the Titans in miniature; he’s three and a half, and she’s a big, fat, hairy, house cat – they’re about the same size, only one has superior teeth and the other a superior brain. I’ve yet to decide which is which…
Anyway, this morning I was rudely awoken by a lot of noise in the bathroom, next door to my bedroom. Apparently a plumber had been called. Nothing to do with me I might add. It was 8.30 am – middle of the night! He was very noisy, as was the plumbing and ‘the child’ who insisted on a loud and running commentary with his as yet, undecipherable speech, of the plumber’s activities right outside my door. By 9.15am I could take no more a blearily removed my eye-mask and stumbled towards the kitchen and the Blessed Coffeepot. I didn’t make it. Accosted by both Titans, Flossy and ‘the child’. I should point out that neither Titan belongs to me. They just blight my existence like a couple of harpies, sent by the Gods to torment me. Flossy was demanding food with the wrath of Zeus in withdrawal, ‘the child’, a hug, a kiss and that I help him with a jigsaw puzzle. He refuses to wear clothes. He dragged me by the hand to the offending puzzle, which I was expected to piece together, uncafinated. Not to be thwarted by a three year old’s jigsaw, I struggled on, only to discover there were in fact two jigsaws mixed together and pieces were missing… Ye Gods! And did I mention it was only 9.15am and I’d had no coffee?
Opportunity presented itself and I escaped to the kitchen, only to be followed by ‘the child’ who informed me that he wanted a wee, did it in his conveniently located potty and then, as I was filling the Blessed Coffeepot, he helpfully informs me that he is emptying it – I turn to see him upend the offending wee-filled potty into the sink and all over the dishes… Joy!
“I want to sit on your knee!” He screams, but so does the cat. They eye each other, then jostle for position, Flossy attaches herself to the knot of my dressing gown belt and proceeds to suckle on it, ignoring ‘the child’ who pulls her tail – an act of war – as I raise the mug of Blessed Coffee to my mouth….
This, my friends, is a slice of life on Chicken Road….