Month: March 2013

My memory was virtually Zero…

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It’s now about 700 somethings, no idea what: ram, bits, MB, who knows? But it is better than nothing, or zero, take your pick, and it means my little (almost given up for dead and thrown through the window in a fit of rage) computer, is now usable again.  Hurrah!

Gremlins are in the machine again, I’m sure of it. Hijacked then hacked!

For a long time now, my little ASUS Eee laptop has mournfully displayed an ‘out of virtual memory’ error message when ever I tried to do, well, absolutely anything with it.

Why on Earth would I have such a teeny tiny laptop you ask? For travel and general skulking in cafes. Not wanting to cart my heavy and at purchase, expensive mac around, I opted for this little option, about the size of a good book, really handbag sized, and preloaded with skype and a stripped down version of MS office (MS Works?) for my travels a few years back. And of course those new fangled tablet thingies came out right after my purchase, but I digress.

Anyhoo, after breaking a loaner laptop (it really wasn’t my fault) I was forced to deal with this memory issue on the ASUS Eee.

I at first believed that my little laptop was infested with viruses so I attempted to download Microsoft Essentials virus protection which first required I remove the old anti-virus software. SCARY! And wouldn’t you know, the MS Essentials would not update leaving my dinky laptop in danger. Why? Zero virtual memory.

Now I am not the most technical of people when it comes to fixing computers (although I did successfully manage to change the battery on my IPod with the help of Youtube), but necessity being the mother of invention, I scoured the internet for solutions until I cam across this:

http://sparktrust.com/lowvirtualmemory?gclid=CNTAh6aXhrYCFabLtAodYW4A6Q

just scroll down to the section entitled “How do I fix Low Virtual Memory problems?” and follow the instructions. If you have a ‘normal’  laptop of course, which I don’t, naturally. So I couldn’t find ‘properties’ using their step by step guide. Instead, I had to root around my files like a good old rummage in a dusty attic. However, I prevailed, found the setting that needed to be changed and no wonder I had no virtual memory – it was set to zero! More evidence of Gremlin activity if you ask me. It has been changed. I now have virtual memory. Microsoft Security Essentials has successfully updated and is now running a complete scan of my little computer. I am virus free AND my dinky laptop actually works!

Ahhhh! I am utterly joyful. So joyful in fact that I may have to scamper off to the shops and buy a bottle of wine and a big fat CAKE  in order to celebrate my glorious achievement over technology. And it’s only Monday! As you know, Happy Tuesday here on Chicken Road is the day we traditionally imbibe the fruit of the vine, but today’s victory must be marked; preferably with a nice bottle of Shiraz.

It will help my anticipated shock when the lap top repair quotes come in for the other broken laptop that I didn’t break really…

The calm before the storm…

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Or am I in the centre of a hurricane? I can’t tell, but things are ominously quiet here on Chicken Road. We had a low key Happy Tuesday yesterday. Yes I plodged through the almost dry and not at all muddy fields yesterday, easily skipping over piles of horse poo. Shopping was achieved without a goblin attack. Bridges were crossed without rousing the politest of trolls…. Something feels wrong…
 
I came home and cooked my version of Chicken cacciatore with the slap dash ease of Jamie Oliver – it was delicious. Flossy the Hell-cat even submitted to having her ears examined, the beast went flat on the floor at my command and actually allowed me to put the drops in! No claws, hissing or biting…Hmmmm…
To make matters worse, I have awoken after a peaceful nights sleep feeling suspiciously refreshed to a tidy house with no one in it! No pesky relatives, noisy children or nosey neighbours. And it’s freaking me out! The birds are twittering (I’m convinced they’re in on it), the sky is its usual shade of battle ship grey and it’s just not right! I tell you, there has been a tremor in The Force somewhere in the multiverse and like tsunami sized ripples in life’s pond, I’m just waiting for it to hit.
Ever get that feeling?
The only thing bringing a reassuring sense of normalcy to my life is the web site that just won’t upload to the new server, despite trawling laboriously through myriad online tutorials and a tortuous session with a ‘live-chat’ support person who was anything but supportive and actually hung up on me! Don’t you just love that? Yes, this is the rod of reason I must cling to… But I’m on my guard and ready for anything… It’s Weird Wednesday here on Chicken Road…

Friday Flashback – The Haunting of ‘The Club’

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There is a building in Edinburgh where a basilisk prowls the halls, where spectres lurk and doctoral students shirk. Sorry, this Friday Flashback is not about the worlds largest reclining buddha or a mighty pyramid but something more precious and ephemeral; The Club. A place, a time and a group of people. The place was Edinburgh University, the time 2007-2012 and the people were The Club and shall remain nameless to preserve their anonymity and protect them against potential prosecution or worse, academic disgrace.

Our club was room 6.12 and perilously close to the lair of the basilisk. The basilisk was fearsome and could smell dead rats in the kitchen at 50 feet and yet trixy, luring the best of us into her chambers with no more than a beckoning finger or worse – chocolate. Most club members were retained in 6.12 but there were other members scattered along the hall of the 6th floor. The sixth floor… a level of genius, some say madness, of struggle against ones inner demons, where titans clashed, sherry sloshed, battles waged and writing was done. Or at least thought about. No, agonized over. Horribly and tortuously. One club member would write a sentence and then take all day to meticulously pick it apart word for word. Another examined prayer and song expressed through the roaring of lions and the trumpeting of elephants. Yet another would pick through people’s garbage and statistically, objectively, record it. And me? I wrote about a mole, from the moles perspective naturally. The only thing I picked at was a bag of bacon crispies.

ghostly

We shared many things in the club; our hopes, dark secrets, theories of about society, sugar donuts, and Baileys on a Friday afternoon. We zealously debated topics from religion to recycling, banking to self harm, civil society to sex, museums to adoption, and space… No, not the final frontier, but THE space, the space between the hands.

You see our concern was of a haunting. Not the physical haunting of a place, but a haunting of the imagination. Under the influence of another club member, I purchased a book, a book about a ghost, a book I shall not name because the book itself is complete and utter nonsense, and despite this, or perhaps because of it, the ideas triggered by the book took form. At first it was confusion over the nonsensical nature of it, which lapsed into jovial recitation of its most preposterous sentences which grew, twisting and writhing like pipe smoke, into references to which only club members were privy. We made sense out of nonsense. Fashioned form from smoke and mirrors, manifesting a ‘thing’ from the ether. A secret language imbued with meaning, and ‘the thing’ into a bond, as real as rope.

Ok, Ok it wasn’t all sober intellectual conversation, there was also conversation over spirits. Gin to be exact. Bombay Sapphire to be utterly precise. Well usually, although we could be persuaded to imbibe a little Hendrix on occasion. We patronised various haunts

dandelion

with Blind Poets and Under the Stairs and on occasion, sitting on a street corner outside No 56, and even an Old Bell.

Sadly, the writing is finished. The lions no longer roar, the rubbish has been collected and the Mole is dead. A breath in another universe blew on a

fuzzy dandelion  and like the seeds we have scattered to the far corners of the globe, some of us further than others. The Club as a time and a place has diminished, a mere spectre haunting the halls of memory. But ‘the thing’ remains, as real as rope.

And the basilisk? Rest assured, the basilisk still prowls the halls as trixy and treacherous as ever. And long may it continue…